You Can’t Do That!
“You’ll cause so much trouble!” my cousin C said. I’ll be honest with you, I can’t remember her exact words but it was something along the lines of you can’t do that, you’ll blow everything up and cause mayhem.
I walked into the garden while she made tea, and tried my hardest not to let it get to me. Don’t cry, don’t cry, block it, sit on it, think about it later, I thought. Story of my life.
Sometime earlier this year (or even last year, what is time) she’d sent a screenshot of a bloke’s FB profile and said “I think this is your nephew”. I have two sisters and a brother that don’t know I exist. This potential nephew is the son of one of the sisters.
I was birth mother’s second child, the one she gave away for adoption. Her reasons? She was 20 years old & couldn’t afford me. Sperm donor was already married to someone else with children. So gawd knows how many siblings I’ve really got. I’ve never tried looking for birth father/sperm donor because adoption paperwork says he wanted me aborted. Which was nice.
Years back when Sophie was born I wanted to know my medical history but being adopted I didn’t know it. I tried (very easily as it turned out) to find my birth mother. I first made contact with her sister (my Aunty D) and my cousin C. This is when I found out about the younger sisters. My adoption papers already mentioned the brother. I shan’t bore you with all the details but basically Aunty D got in touch with her sister and said I’d like to meet her. Birth mother said no thanks, I’m not telling my children about her.
If you’ve read some previous posts you’ll know I wasn’t adopted by Mary Poppins, more one step away from Rose West, (copyright my brother) so it was a bit of a kicker to be told my ‘real’ mother doesn’t want to meet me. I’m a dirty secret never to be told. It was also a bloody kicker to find out my lovely Aunty D wanted to take me on but by the time she got to the hospital I was gone. Whisked away. Aunt and birth mother have had a fractured (from what I can gather non existent) relationship ever since.
But…part of me thinks fuck it, they’re my siblings, I have a right to meet them surely? Huge huge huge Irish family that I’m only slightly part of. On the fringe, a secret to most, known to a select few.
So here I am, still trying to mull it over/put it to bed/forget about it. I mean God forbid I cause mayhem right? I’m a secret. A dirty secret.
Always hated secrets. Truth or be damned.
What would you do? Hate that I feel like a trouble maker for existing but will it all end in tears? (End? They’ve never stopped mate). Do I cause tears for others? The odds of a good result aren’t very high are they. Although if I was presented with an unknown sibling I’d welcome them with open arms. But that’s probably because I’m approaching it from the other side!
Best I leave it. A story never to be told.
Ah well, never mind x