What Do You Mean My Brain Thinks My Wrist Is Still Broken?!
Its now 2017, over a year since accident and I’m back in doctor’s office (my second home) telling him right wrist is still agony and can barely use right hand. Constantly swollen and painful. Off I went for more MRIs. Bet I glow in the dark.
The very next day I got a phone call from the hand surgeon’s secretary asking if I can go in that very day. Yes I can. The hand surgeon (can’t remember his name or what he looked like) tried to explain I have something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. My brain thinks my wrist is still broken. Its a seriously weird thing. My hand and arm will either be freezing cold or burning hot, constantly throbbing (the charity is called ‘Burning Nights‘) and its the strangest thing having completely different temperature from the other hand! Hair grows quicker, nails grow quicker and its odd. And painful. I can use it for 5 seconds before pain is excruciating. Constantly swollen and if I touch it I get an electric shock pain. The reason they wanted me in straight away was to start specialist physio again. I’d already had a year of it.
So back and forth I went to hospital. Again. Different physio this time & did not mind him stroking my arm one little bit wink wink. The trouble was, I’d forget to do some of the exercises. Or he’d tell me to not use hand at all until next appointment but I’d forget. Or the other way around, use it and I wouldn’t. Brain damage was not helpful.
Finally in February 2018 the physio said they’d done all they can, unfortunately CRPS is not reversible (its something that will only get worse) but he really admires my determination and its not for lack of trying on my part.
Still don’t think I’ve really come to terms with it. Probably will more when Sophie leaves home one day and I can’t peel or chop my own veg.
Changing the subject, here’s where I explain why “WRITE IT DOWN!” does not work. You’ve probably seen me tweet about not remembering if I’ve taken tablets or not. I’ll have the strip in my hand and have absolutely NO IDEA if I’ve taken them. So I don’t, just in case I did. What I’m trying to say is, I would write it down if it stayed in my head for more than a nano-second, but things don’t. I have to set a timer for everything. If I remember. Not eating properly is a constant because I forget to eat, never feel hungry. Put the oven on and forget about it instantly. Nice waste of energy for nothing. If I do set timer on my phone, it goes off, I swipe it off, then instantly forget I’ve just swiped it off. And the worst thing is I think I can overcome this with just a little more concentration. So I try and focus. But 9 times out of 10 my brain just won’t play ball with me.
I’ve got used to putting things down and walking off without them. Hey, I even find it funny these days. Oh look what an idiot I am! Always taking the piss out of myself anyway, now more material to play with. But I’ve got to stop telling Sophie about it. It upsets her. Says its troubling and worrying. But I have to laugh about it. How I’ve got through life. Second nature.
But sometimes I fly into rages at the drop of a hat, get irritated…and then cry because I feel guilty, its not me. [Although now editing this in Feb 2020 I’m a lot chiller. If I don’t have to deal with anyone all day I’m Queen of the Chill]. I’ve been trying so hard to incorporate The Secret into my daily life – positive attracts positive – but sometimes it all gets too much and I lose my cool so much. (And I forget haha) Like yesterday.
…TO BE CONTINUED!