Life Lessons From 2021

1. Don’t trust anyone.
2. Trust your intuition.
3. Ummm….
4. You will always heave when eating olives. STOP TRYING

1. Don’t Trust Anyone Else

That is all.

2. Trust Your Intuition

I was walking Bailey the other day and bumped into some neighbours from ‘over the back’. They were asking if I could hear their leaf blower, he needs to wear ear muffs to use it. Or something. Hasn’t registered if I have. Did you hear my washing machine?! I said. Sounded like it was going to blow up. “No, we haven’t heard that!” they said. He said “it’s probably going to die”, she said “oh you must use ours! Its new and has a very speedy 15 minute cycle, we can have a coffee while you wait! Bring it round any time, we’re always home!”

That’s nice of them I thought, at least I wouldn’t have to carry it far and it would be quick. But could I really go and sit in their house? Only bumped into them a few times, can’t even remember their names! He seems okay, but I’m not 100% sure about her sincerity. Can’t put my finger on it but my gut isn’t on board yet.

The next day the washing machine died. Had a right big pile of it because lazy, Christmas wasn’t it. Sophie & I were walking Bailey and bumped into the man. “Bring it around ours!” he said. Okay, when’s good for you? Tomorrow late morning? “Yes, any time!” he said.

Well Sunday morning arrives and I forget I bumped into him. [Do I need to keep repeating I’ve had brain damage and how it affects me or are we all caught up now?(!)] Late morning he’s knocking on my door. “Are you bringing washing round?” Oh I’m so sorry, I forgot! “We’re home any time”. “Okay, shall be round in a minute”. But didn’t say I stink, let me just jump in shower first if I have to sit with strangers.

20 minutes later I knock on their door, he answers, “come in, come in!” With that she appears and trust me when I say the ‘we’re happy, lovely, kind, helpful people!’ mask dropped a bit. “I’m serving up lunch for my mother! You’ll have to come back” she said. Not in an angry way, more of a oh piss off you missed your slot kind of way. Of course I’m apologising, I’m so sorry I forgot, I’ll come back another time.

“Yes, could you do that please” she says. Hmm, my first initial gut reaction was correct!

“NO!” He said. “She’s here now, come in, come in”. As I stood there thinking oh no, no, no, please no, oh this is so bloody awkward. I didn’t even want to come really! It was only because he knocked on my door and I didn’t want to offend. “Its fine”, he says, “come on through!” Still cringing as I type this.

[Why don’t people say what they mean? You must come around! Any time! No, not that time!

I always say what I mean. I did pre-brain haemorrhage, but its even worse now. Just don’t ask me for an opinion because its like Liar Liar, I can’t lie! I called my friend Mr Magoo TO HIS FACE recently. Luckily he’s still my friend but I wasn’t even thinking it! I got a bit teary after and said sorry. It’s like having Tourettes. But with long sentences!]

I uploaded my washing, hurried out and said I’d be back in 15 minutes. As luck would have it I was making some choc brownies for my friend P. [Not naming friends in my blogs anymore, its bloody dangerous – see next blog post that I haven’t written yet!] After 15 minutes I wrapped some up (still warm) and took them round. He handed me washing, I handed him brownies. I hope their domestic about the neighbour and her washing was short lived and no I won’t be accepting any further offers of help!

3. Ummmm

Must’ve learned something else last year. Think, think. Oh I know! I learned about mass formation psychosis. Real and happening. But as its COVID related I can’t comment further. Taken an oath of silence. When I remember!

4. You will always heave when eating Olives. STOP TRYING

Do you do this? I swear every single year I think I’ll just try an olive, see if I like them now. Oh shocker, no I don’t, same as it ever was. Why am I convinced my tastebuds will ever change?!

Ah well, God loves a trier. HAPPY NEW YEAR!