I’m Back
Hello
Yes, it’s been a while. Two and a bit years since Bailey left us. Haven’t felt like writing. Ever. Or have any words.
In the weeks and months after I did my absolute best to keep head empty, do not think about him, hurts to much. Which isn’t hard since a thoughtless head was a lovely gift from my brain injury. “Don’t think about it” was my (seriously not well thought out) plan to get through the grief. I started playing Candy Crush. I know, always late to the party. That saved me from having to face reality. Hours of my life wasted. Then I got addicted and starting paying for the add-ons. “Don’t ever pay for pixels” my mate said. “Oh I’m not” I said, lying.
Addiction is in my nature. Luckily managed to overcome most of them by myself and Candy Crush was no exception. Finally weaned myself off.
[I’m typing this from the cliff in Ogmore and a car has pulled up and left its engine running FOREVER and I might not be able to type much more because the urge to throw my laptop through her window is overwhelming. At least 15 minutes now. Right, she’s getting the death stare and if she still doesn’t fuck off she’s getting it….ONE..TWO..THREE…DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE..FOUR! FIVE! OH PISS OFF! SIX! SEVEN EIGHT…FINAL GLARE …mouthed “could you turn your engine off?..NINE! TEN!! Luckily counted slow enough to cool myself down but she’s still got it on! She’s now standing outside her car to have a cig. And still the engine runs ohymygawd why are people?!]
No idea where I was going now. Oh yes. In the midst of my grief over our beloved Bailey I didn’t want to tell anyone anything. Nothing from my life. And really I’ve spent the last two years regretting all my blog posts. To the point I took my website off line so I could sleep at night.
I put it back online about a month ago. Then Sophie saw it was back up and got really excited. She said something along the lines of it being a good thing and I was back. Still wasn’t for a few weeks but I guess she equates me writing with being mentally well. So I’m going to give you an update of the last two years and of how my brain injury affects me in my very next blogpost. [Because SHE STILL HAS HER ENGINE RUNNING AND I CAN’T THINK!]
Adios Amigos!
(I’m on day 23 learning Spanish on Duolingo. If Trent Alexander Arnold can do it so can I)
[Little update…I asked (loudly above her engine) “could you turn your engine off please, I can’t think”. So she said ok. And turned if off
And now I have to sit here in my absolute cringe. Just thank the Lord you aren’t me.
Within seconds I felt really bad. WTF am I to dictate what people can do with their own car! I’ve got to apologise. I went over brandishing my brain injury card and said I’m really sorry if I was rude, I’ve had brain injury, constant headache and sensory issues which lead to uncontrollable meltdowns but I am sorry I didn’t mean to be rude. I can’t control myself. And she said “Oh no you weren’t! That’s ok! I get like that You weren’t rude! (no one show her this blog) My son has foot and mouth he has so I brought him up here to look out to sea, we’re going for a walk in a minute we are”. And then we chatted about what a lovely place/day and I ended with “please put your engine back on!”
Anger and then instant guilt are probably the very worst thing about brain damage. Especially as I’m a people pleaser! Its not me. Getting anxiety stomach pain just thinking about it.
At Head Injury Therapy Group the overriding lesson was when you have difficulties/meltdowns tell people. And I’d forgotten that. But glad I remembered today!]
Bye again
